Addendum: The Queen of Youshken Rises Again

I correct myself. I won't be alone. There are parts of my heart which were shaped and gifted to me by special people who touched my life. Those parts I had hidden and banished from myself in this last year if not longer. It is after much searching and revelation that I have found them again. I felt much the way I imagine the Grinch did the day his heart grew three sizes too big. I am a much less shallow, empty person. I have found myself, all of myself, again. I can never be completely alone. I will always carry with me those people who have made a difference in me. They changed me for the better and remind me of all the things I love about myself. I am leo the lion. I have power and a voice. I am the Queen of Youshken. There is perfection amongst all of my imperfections. I have inherited the determination, compassion, and child like eagerness I was missing. I have my messed up words and love of animals. I am so lucky that I even have my own country. I am not alone. My heart will not let me unravel. I stand strong with those who love me. I am unbreakable. Everything is gonna be alright.

Falling Apart All Alone

The comment never ceases to be true. "I have no doubt you will be successful, but you will always be alone." When put in a bad situation, I can count on the kindness of others to help me, but close friends are not really to be found. Alone I will always be. That person I can call at 5 in the morning is there, but the one who will stay awake and let me break down without judgment is gone. I don't doubt that some of my sisters would be there to help me, but I am not sure if I can show them the weakness inside of me. That would make me so vulnerable to the world, and how can I trust just anyone with that side of me. To cry is to be so weak. Why would I ever give someone else that power over me? To upset me so much as to bring me to tears. I am unbreakable. A lion at heart yet so many have attempted to bring me down. Why do I let them? I may be alone, but strength I find in myself can't be taken away. It may be very lonely, but alone I am unbreakable. The connection found in others is always tested and seemingly always broken. The connection found in myself has been tested and held true every time. I can glue myself back together but it will be by myself. Others need not help me because I am strong on my own. When I open up to others they only seem to test my trust and try to break me. I have faith in myself and myself alone. I will not break. I am the captain of my soul; I am the master of my fate. WEH said it all in those last two lines. They have held true all of these years and continue to hold true. When I fall apart all by myself, I will be there to pick up the pieces. I feel the pain and dry my eyes. In the end everything is gonna be fine fine fine. I've got one hand in my pocket and the other is hailing a cab. Because everything is gonna be alright. Lullaby.

Finding Order in Chaos

As the semester is quickly drawing to a close, I find that I am definitely ready to be done with all of my core classes. The next four semesters are to be exciting, and I will finally get to be writing and working toward something meaningful. No more pointless fillers. Although the end goal is a best sellers list preferably NY Times, I do need something to do to pay bills so journalism it is. I think writing could be fun. I am dreaming of interning in Chicago. It would be like living in a Meg Ryan movie. I love it. Now just to drudge through the next 4 weeks.

I am starting to get to fat for my clothes, but I just don't feel like going to the gym anymore. I wanted to go shopping for a whole new summer wardrobe anyways. Better fat and happy than thin and hungry. Cookies are winning.

"I have no doubt that you will be successful, but you will definitely be alone." I wish someone had never said that to me; it feels too true much of the time. Time to work on being less awkward in social situations. I have been longing for more human connection lately. Not just the shallow everyday connection, but that true understanding of another person. I want more of that in my life. My communications needs work. Roommate bonding has at least been at an all time high lately. It was good to revisit old memories and make some wonderful new ones. I am definitely on the right path with some of my amazing friends.

Timing, magic, and connection are everything in relationships. Sadly the stars have to align to make things work, and when it doesn't your left with an almost empty fun. Maybe good friends can come of this type of fun, but it could also just be a good time to be remembered fondly. Then again sometimes the stars can surprise you align at the most random of times. Confusing situations are best when naturally worked out on their own.

I am doing my best to get more involved in things outside of deeg. I was so involved in high school, and it was a wonderful experience. I had more pride and commitment to my school. I made friends with a wider group of people, and I built up confidence in myself. Time to do more of the same at UGA. With the realization of the limited time I have left to enjoy my college experience I want to get out and do more than just a sorority. I want to take more active roles in my organizations pertaining to UGA. Time to broaden my horizons.